smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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