so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He passed out mid-signature
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
