dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
