Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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