Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
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