ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
