I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
