also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
