How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
