I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
the liver wants what the liver wants
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
