Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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