Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
