Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
