they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
