I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
