If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
These tits shall not be calmed
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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