now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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