if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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