im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
