I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
