I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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