Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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