whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
