the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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