Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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