we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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