Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
