Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
