I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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