No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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