there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My sheets look like a crime scene.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
