I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
