remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you inspire me to be a worse person
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
