I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
