life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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