remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
