I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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