U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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