i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
