Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
