my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
