This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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