My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
