Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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