She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
