just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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