i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
