Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
