Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
