I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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